Trust in God's plan. Boy is this ever a difficult one for me. I have had many trials in my life as we all have. There have been many times when I have called out, "why me?" or "why not me?" As humans, we have a very narrow scope of time. We can see in a straight line from beginning to end and little else. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11. God is eternal. He has no beginning and no end. He can see every direction and knows us better than we know ourselves. We know this, yet it can be difficult for some of us to put our trust squarely in him and know that his plan is a perfect plan.
What to do when the answer is, "no?" I longed for children for 13 years after my husband and I were married. We tried everything. I poured my soul out to God asking him to bless us with a child. When we finally became pregnant with our first (after many fertility treatments), I was overjoyed to say the least. I carried that child until 11 weeks when the Lord, the all knowing Father, called my baby home. When the bleeds came, I pleaded with Him to bless my pregnancy. I sobbed as the cramps came and even as my water broke, I cried out for a miracle. His answer to me was no. It has taken me quite some time to come to grips with this. I do not know what plans he had for that baby in the next life. I do not know what his plans are for me in this life either. I miss my baby daily, but I do know that if that child had survived, I would not have Liam and Maisie right now. Someday I hope he will bless me with the knowledge of why it happened, but for now, I need to center my mind on my faith that He has a perfect knowledge of everything and there was a reason that child was with me for such a short time. I am grateful that He allowed my baby to pass at home and that I was able to hold that precious baby's body.
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6. I feel the Lord's hand in many areas in my life and not just as I was attempting to become a mother. Even as I was meeting my husband, we seemed to be thrust together at several different times and occasions. I truly feel that we were meant to be together. We originally met at 16 and then "re-met" again twice more. I never had intended to marry young, but God's plan was different than what I had in mind. I had wanted to pursue a career as an architect. God had other plans for me. As I look at my life now, I realize how much more perfect my life is for me and if I had just listened and trusted, I would have saved myself a lot of anguish. That said, I will always be sad and miss my first baby, but as for everything else, I can see now why things are the way they are.
